Pivoting towards your future self…

Here’s a practice to help you pivot out of a state that feels uncomfortable, into a state of being that you are calling into being. In this way you are pivoting towards your future self, the self that has shifted into a preferred way of being.
Let’s say you are feeling confused and uncertain. You know what you don’t want: you don’t want to feel confused and uncertain. Once you have figured out where you are, reach for what you are wanting to feel: i.e.  you really want to feel clarity and certainty.

Clarity and certainty feel so far away in this moment of confusion and uncertainty, and yet, if you ponder the state you are reaching for, you get closer to it. This is a way to reach for a better feeling place, which then becomes a beacon or north star for where you are headed.

You may be in confusion and uncertainty now and are unable to change that right now, given this particular circumstance/situation, but you can reach for the feeling you are seeking.

Go ahead, declare what you want and tune into what that would feel like. Even though I am confused and uncertain about such and such in this  moment,  I DO know what clarity feels like. I DO know what certainty feels like and I trust that eventually, I will get there. The good news about feeling confused and uncertain is that it prompts me to reach for what I DO want: clarity and knowing.

You may not be able to chance the circumstance in this moment but you can reach for what you really want.  Remember when you last felt certainty, remember how clarity feels in your body, remember the feeling of clarity in your body. Know that you are moving towards that state just by evoking it in your mind’s eye. This may not resolve the area in question immediately, but it will help you shift your frequency, pivot into a place of better feeling, at least in this moment. Pivoting helps you declare your commitment to and value of clarity and certainty.

So how does this work?

1. Step One: Notice and acknowledge your emotional state.

Step one is to notice what it is you are feeling- name that emotion. Get clear about the thoughts you are thinking and the feelings such thoughts evoke. I’m frustrated by the situation of my relationship with so and so… I’m angry at my boss for such and such, I’m worried about the outcome of this event.

Step Two: Notice the body sensations associated with this emotion.

Notice how this emotion shows up as sensation in your body. Try to separate the emotional label from the sensation – tap into the body sensations that are present. perhaps what you identify as anger is actually a sensation of your solar plexus contracting? Or perhaps as you think of your anger you feel a hot pulsing sensation in your groin? perhaps the worrying thoughts lead to a constriction in your throat. Make note of how you feel in your body as you identify feelings.

Step Three: Identify your desire.

Identify how you would prefer to feel in this moment: you want to feel peace instead of angry, you want to feel faith instead of fear, you want to feel clarity rather than confusion. Perhaps you want to feel belonging instead of exclusion, justice rather than injustice. Identify what it is you DON’T want and let that pivot you towards what you DO want instead.

Step Four: Imagine your desired state or wish come true.

If you are seeking calmness, peace, clarity or faith, recall a time when you did feel that. Recall how that felt, and identify how your body sensations shift as you tune into this desired state.

Savor that desired feeling and imagine it is the resolution of your current troubling state. Imagine it all resolved and how good that feels.

Notice how this feeling shows up as sensation in your body. What has changed? What sensations do you feel now ? Notice this and enjoy it.

There! You’ve pivoted! You now know that peace, clarity, faith and trust are strong values for you. Values help guide us through life in a way that ensures meaning and purpose. Write about what it means to you to feel peace, clarity, knowing, trust and faith. How will your life improve?

A quiz for the self or the philosopher….

Answer these questions and get a sense of who you are and what matters to you. It may also inspire you to make changes, or to celebrate yourself. Likewise, you could answer the questions in a more broad way, as a philosophical exercise. It could also be a fun conversation starter  – you decide!

What is your/the  most destructive habit?

What is your/the greatest joy?

What is your/the greatest loss?

What is your/the greatest problem to overcome?

What is your/the worst thing to lose?

What is your/the most powerful form of communication?

What is your/the most effective sleeping pill (without taking a pill)?

I’ve answered the questions below, as a recording of what feels for me right today. This could be different months for now, or years from now. So I’m recording them here, just for fun.

Most destructive habit: worry

Greatest joy: sharing

Greatest loss: self-respect

Greatest problem to overcome: fear & doubt

Worst thing to lose: positive expectation

Most powerful form of communication: blessings, prayers & gratitude

Most effective sleeping pill (without taking a pill, that is): peace of mind

Enjoy!

The four chambers and qualities of a healthy heart.

The Four Chambers of the Heart: A healthy heart has four qualities related to the four chambers of the heart: clarity, strength, openness, fullness. This exercise invites you to  explore where you are now vis-a-vis these qualities of living with an open, clear, strong and full heart. It may help you identify areas where you are being called into becoming.

Enjoy!

Exploring the Four Qualities of a Healthy Heart.

1. Open-hearted: Can you give and receive love equally?

And how do you know it is so? For example, if you answered yes, consider this: Can you receive a compliment gracefully – that is to say, without undermining it or minimizing its value, either verbally or mentally?

My guess is that receiving love is more of a challenge for people than giving it. But maybe not. You tell me. 😉

A closed heart carries resentment or fear.

An open heart is able to make offers and requests related to the giving and receiving of love.

Is there a request or offer you could make to open your heart more? How can you practice the release of those qualities that close a heart down- fear, resentment, envy? Is there a grudge you could let go of, or someone you could forgive? I read once that holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head, but my sense is that it also closes down some space in your heart that could otherwise be open to more loving.

2. Full-hearted. A full hearted person does not suffer under the weight of “shoulds” and “have-tos”. Consider the way you go through your day, do you notice yourself saying “I should” and “I have to….” a lot?

How much of your life is shaped by the expectations, mores and obligations set by others?

Do you do things because you are expected to, have to or feel you SHOULD do?

A full hearted self knows they are free to choose their experience and what is important to them, regardless of what others may request.

A full hearted self   transforms “I should ” into “I could but choose not to” and recognizes that in serving the self and aligning with one’s values, serving others is done with love and is free of obligation. A full hearted self says  “I choose to”  instead of  “I have to”, aware at all times that requests and offers must be given and received in a full, and free heart.

3. Clear hearted. If you are clear hearted you are free of doubt and confusion.

When in confusion, do you accept the confusion and wait until clarity returns or do you try to force a decision, an issue or conflict?

A clear-hearted person acts from a sense of guidance,  place of knowing that resides within. A clear-hearted person has patience to wait for clarity before acting.

4. Strong hearted. A strong hearted person has the courage to live an authentic life. They share their personal truth regardless of other people’s assessments.

Do you hold back from telling your truth because you fear rejection or judgement or withdrawal of support from others?

Do you stand in your truth, willing to be authentic regardless of the price?

Being of heart requires numerous skills: which ones come easily to you and which ones are calling for attention? Can you think of a practice that would support the development of one of the four chambers of the heart?

 

Yoga as Life Practice

I was reading The Heart of Yoga today by T.K.V Desikachar and came across something that really struck me. He was referring to a notion found in the Yoga Sutras that states all asanas, or postures in yoga should reflect two qualities: Sthira and sukha. I could not help but notice that by bringing those qualities into how we live life, that we might improve the quality of our life in significant ways that reach far beyond the asanas or postures of the physical aspects of yoga.

Sthira means steadiness and alertness. if you can’t hold a pose steady and be present in it (as opposed to straining against losing it) you are not doing the pose.. you are fighting the pose. Don’t push yourself into a pose that you are not ready for, and if you cannot hold it steady for some time, don’t do it.

If you aim to move up in your career but can’t stand the jobs you are doing on the way to get to your destination, you probably don’t have sthira. So don’t do it! I wish I had learned this sooner, I stayed in far too many jobs long after I could imagine staying steady in them. In short, don’t forfeit your present for your future! The future never arrives anyhow!

Alertness refers to the ability to tune in to your body, your breath and your mind so that they are at peace and in alignment one with the other. If you don’t pay attention to how you are doing as you are Being  in the pose, you could injure yourself. If you are not alert to how you are Being in your life – mood, body, breath, and your mental state, you could also injure yourself. Self awareness – the ability to both observe and tune into oneself as one goes through the day is a critical skill if you are to succeed in a pose or succeed in life.  Alertness in life means to be awake and aware.. to have an active observer of your experience while experiencing them. This is presence, this is awareness.

Sukha refers to the ability to find comfort in the pose. If you are not comfortable, you should come out of the pose. If you can’t stay in the pose for some time easily, you need to do a different pose.

I see a lot of people in yoga class who regularly  push themselves beyond what their body can do, while holding their breath and tensing into a show of steadiness. I  see people in yoga class striving to get further than what they can comfortably access because their ambition drives their behaviour at the cost of their safety.

What shows up in yoga practice often reflects how we show up in life: ambitions and destinations get more attention than the journey, we strive beyond what it comfortable and get worn out trying to hold on to ambitious agenda with the hopes we’ll get there if we stick to the agenda we’ve created. So many people around me complain of fatigue, and scarcity of time… they are rushing so fast to get somewhere they don’t take time to monitor their stress levels or ensure their enjoyment of the journey.

Desikachar says that when we carry out a movement that feels tense its hard to notice anything but the tension. This leads to the third quality of doing an asana properly: accepting where you are NOW.

I have been thinking lately about how I engage in yoga poses and life itself. I have this notion of where I should be, and how I should do things, which takes me away from noticing where I am and what feels right for ME, in the moment. How can I find comfort and steadiness in my path of building a business? If I’m not comfortable, I can’t sustain it without suffering in some way, and if I’m not alert, I might neglect myself of downtime, rest, and nourishment along the way. Sukha and Sthira are required as we live…. and in order to succeed in the creation of the life we wish to live, we also have to accept where we are, NOW.

The future focus of many ambitious folk can lead us to losing the present moment. Pace yourself, pay attention to your breathing and stick to the principles of ensuring that your day includes steadiness, alertness (presence) and comfort.

Enjoy your day, enjoy your now, enjoy your life!

Connecting to the stories of your heart

Here is an exercise you could check out if you want to connect to the stories of your heart.

Heart Space Polishing Meditation:  I once participated in a group meditation where – after a basic relaxation exercise – we focused our imagination on connecting with and polishing our heart space.  It was a remarkable experience and I think all who participated felt grateful and moved by the end of it. What happened that was so memorable? While we were polishing the physical heart in our mind’s eye, we also became aware of the emotional history, shape, sounds, colors and textures of the emotional territory connected to giving and receiving love.

• For some the sound and depth of the heart pulse and rhythm connected them to the loves they’d experienced and the hurts or resentments they may still harbor
• Some found areas of the heart very burnished, and in need of attention, leading them to question what aspect of their metaphoric heart was in need of care
• Some found holes, chips, cracks and tears that led to the  shedding of tears as they focused on repairing it
• Some were surprised to notice that while working on the back of the heart they remembered past events and loves
• Some felt appreciation, joy and gratitude for the heart’s unwavering fidelity: pumping endlessly for us without a rest, with no requests… simply serving us
• All felt a deeper connection to their emotional centre through this exercise. Some felt called to address unfinished business or to heal areas of harm that had left a scar/mark/heaviness on the heart. Others were moved into appreciation and awe at all that the heart does for us – day in, day out.

I invite you to take some time – be it at bedtime or in sitting meditation – to explore, appreciate and give attention to your heart space. What’s the story of your heart? Is there some polishing, healing, cradling and loving energy that you can offer your self and your heart through a simple meditation such as this?

Listen to learn and learn to listen…

Listening is such an important but oft overlooked skill.

Many of us think we are listening but we really aren’t. We are busy doing something else.

Here is a list of things you might be doing instead of listening. Do you recognize yourself here? If you answer yes to any of the below, you are NOT actually listening. Each of these activities makes true listening impossible. Both can not be happening at the same time.

• I’m judging the speaker
• I’m judging myself
• I’m thinking of how I should respond
• I’m trying to make a good impression
• I’m fixated on forcing a particular outcome
• I’m on the defense
• I’m making the speaker wrong
• I’m gaining evidence for how I”m right
• I’m busy trying to protect myself
• I’m self-conscious of how I look
• I’m trying to control the conversation to go a certain way
• I’m trying to fix a perceived problem
• I’m waiting for the speaker to finish so I can say what I know is very important
• I’m trying to stay focused on my point so I can share it as soon as they finish
• I’m thinking about the groceries I need to pick up for dinner
• I’m wondering how to make an exit out of this conversation!

Active listening starts with clearing your mind and offering up your full attention. Mary Oliver put it well when she said, “To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work”.

So what makes for a powerful listener? Here are a few of my thoughts, and they are by no means comprehensive. Feel free to suggest additions.

1. A good listener may engage in some of the above activities  (we are all human, after all) but they notice it and then return their attention to listening. A good listener is present, open and receptive. They are like a bowl – the power is in being empty.  A bowl empty of contents and a listener with a mind empty of conclusions, assumptions, judgements, and expectations make for potency.

2.  A good listener knows how to be present to various levels of communication. It’s well-known that only a small percentage of our communication is based on the words we use. A good listener pays attention to the accompanying body language, tone and emotions that are being expressed and notices how these different aspects of communication are connected or conflicted.

3. A skillful listener knows the value of feedback in communication. The provision of feedback is to connect with the speaker and to clarify whether they heard correctly. Did they receive the intended meaning, emotional tone or request for support that may be imbedded in the communication? Feedback invites the speaker to clarify, confirm or deepen the sharing or shift the emphasis of the conversation. Good feedback is equally devoid of judgements, assumptions, conclusions or expectations. A good listener is not invested in their feedback being correct, their role is to provide space for the speaker to to deepen, shift or clarify their communication.

4. A powerful listener has the sense to know when to keep quiet, when to ask questions, when to acknowledge emotional content, when to probe for more depth and when to paraphrase for clarification. They are open, receptive and in the flow, following the lead of the speaker. They know what to do because they are attuned to the rhythm,  flow and texture of the space between speaker and listener. A powerful listener knows what to do and when because they are receptive, they trust in the moment and they move at the pace of guidance (intuition).

5. Powerful listeners are empathic listeners: they go beneath the words, gestures, tone and feelings to get at the heartfelt need of the speaker.  Empathic listeners look to the emotions as clues to basic human needs that have been satisfied or remain unmet. For example, a speakers expression of frustration may be tied to a need for belonging, or authenticity in the workplace.  “Sounds like you have a need for belonging and this situation has you feeling alienated and disconnected.’  or ” Your enthusiasm suggests that you have a big appetite (need) for play”.

Empathic listeners  offer what is often a powerful and transformative experience for the speaker. The listener can reflect back what the speaker has said in a way that feels very different. Magical even. It can feel to the speaker as if the listener has found some missing pieces of a puzzle they were trying to place. The truth is, the speaker had the pieces all along. It was just a matter of the listener handing the puzzle piece from a slightly different angle  so the speaker could see how it all fit.  “Oh yes! You are right! That’s why I feel enthusiastic in this new job. I get to play and experiment! The last job left no room for play or laughter and I NEED that! Thank you”

The beauty in a conversation with a skillful listener is that they know their job is to help the speaker remember what the speaker knows already but has perhaps forgotten. A skillful listener is a loving mirror for the speaker. The listener is not introducing anything new to the conversation, they are simply rearranging the information given in a way that is angled, ordered, or arranged differently than the way it was delivered (even mirrors do that!). Skillful listeners create a space where the speaker feels deeply seen, heard, and appreciated. They help speakers connect to their inherent knowing, their wisdom and their needs. How awesome is that?

Three cheers for skillful listeners and teachers of skillful listening methods. Thank you Marshall Rosenberg and thank you to all the transformational listeners who have blessed and continue to bless my path!

Notes and Resources

Empathic listening is a term that is associated with a model of communication created by Marshall Rosenberg called non-violent communication ( in recent years the name shifted to compassionate communication). The original term originates from the context in which it was first employed:  highly charged conflict zones. Rosenberg’ s work transformed hateful conflict between rivals into appreciative cooperation and his methods have since been employed to amazing effect in a wide variety of contexts and relationships.

If you are interested in learning more about how empathic listening works, there are some free downloadable resources on the Center’s website ( e.g as a good starter, you could check out their lists of feelings and needs). Many cities also offer local training, and workgroups that are dedicated to group practice of empathic listening skills.  To learn more, check out the Center for Non-Violent Communication website at www.cnvc.org

If you live in British Columbia, Canada (the home of this blogger), you can access local training or workgroups at The BC Network for Compassionate Communication at http://bcncc.ca/

Note to readers: The checklist of how to know if you are listening came from scraps of paper in my journals and so I’m unsure of the source. If you recognize this list, please make me aware so I can cite the source. Thank you.

Loving Simple … Simple Loving

 We all love things that are simply explained, don’t we? I certainly do (even though I sometimes distrust it). Einstein said “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.”

This simple tool I am about to share has helped me out of many a quandary so I offer it here with the hope it helps others. Maybe even you.

If you find it too far over the Einstein edge, check my forthcoming posts for other tools that might serve you better.  

By way of introduction, the tool comes from this pondering:

What if it were true that everything we do in life is motivated by one of two energies – FEAR or LOVE? Look at your world through this bifurcated lens and see what happens. Does it help you discover a new view? Does it clarify a confusing situation? Does it shine light on a path previously invisible?

When you find yourself in the place of having to act and not knowing how, you can ask yourself one of these simple questions:

What would LOVE do?
What would FEAR do?

and then,

Am I acting out of FEAR or out of LOVE?

I’m not going to talk about when and if it is good to act out of fear because that’s your call. I know in my situation, acting out of FEAR usually keeps my life small, and my view narrow.

But the point of sharing this tool is not to say that acting out of FEAR is always bad and acting out of LOVE is always good. That would be over simplifying, I think. Acting out of LOVE can be very challenging. The point is to offer something that can help you act from a place of choice and awareness. 

There are a few variants on the first two questions that can be used in different contexts.  Feel free to try them on for size and see what happens.

(For View)

What would LOVE see here?
What would FEAR see here?

(For Voice)

What would LOVE say here?
What would FEAR say here?

WARNING:  This tool is not without its limits. LOVE and FEAR can be confused. I’ve certainly acted out of what I thought was LOVE, only to later realize that my actions were actually FEAR in disguise. 

This Biblical statement on LOVE has helped me identify red flags and ego-check myself on more than one occasion. It might serve as a good check-in for you when you are working with this tool and wondering what LOVE might do.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In my experience, asking myself these simple questions has taught me a lot.  I’ve learned how I come up short in LOVING and I’ve gained skills in detecting, unpacking and conversing with the many varieties of FEAR. I’ve learned how simple LOVING can be quite a daunting task. LOVE often asks me to stretch beyond what’s comfortable or knowable. And to follow LOVE, I often have to befriend FEAR first. Sometimes I choose to act out of FEAR because, well, I’m human and have not yet found the way to be unconditionally LOVING. But whenever I ask these questions, I learn something of value.

I’d be interested to hear how the tool works for you….

Being, Doing and Becoming

While clearing out papers from my desk this morning, I found an assortment of affirmations, coaching questions, aphorisms and processes to help those on the quest to self knowledge, growth and transformation. I wondered to myself, What do I with all these bits? They have a use, but how can I best organize, sort or make sense of them? And then I had two insights. The first was that these odds and ends are really loose threads in the tapestry of my life that in the largest sense has been focused on personal growth and transformation. I’ve been on a quest my whole life long .. the quest that is never done because I am following the path of the future expanded self.. the self I’ve not yet met. The second was that perhaps all these odds and ends might be of use to others~ if I created a blog, I could organize and store all the odds and sods for future reflection while also offering them up to anyone who might find them of use in their own personal quest.  And so I have come to create this blog: callofbecoming.   Where possible, I will note the source of the material (these latest bits are notes in a sketch book, notepad and sticky pads) but I apologize in advance if anyone recognizes the material as their own * and will promptly source it if you let me know.  😀

So here are some weekly questions you can ask yourself!

What energized me most this week?

What discouraged me most this week?

How did being energized affect how I spent my time?

How did being discouraged affect how I spent my time?

What patterns emerge from this observation?

How do I act on my observations?

How did I become more competent this week?

What power did I give away this week?

What accountability did I give away this week?

What did I learn about myself this week?

What did I accomplish this week?

What part of life did I ignore this week?

What part of life did I avoid this week?

What can I celebrate/appreciate about myself this week?